Redbook Magazine Full of Porn

After having lost the battle with HBO and Harry Potter, the fundies are turning their attentions to a new form of vile filth: women's magazines. Damn you, Redbook, for having articles about sex within your non-family-oriented pages! What's next to fall into moral depravity? Hustler?

This screeching diatribe is written by a raving Marcia Segelstein for OneNewsNow. Oh boy, I can't wait. Please tell me how Redbook is destroying the moral fabric of our nation.

Before you read this column, be warned that it may contain material you find offensive.

Do you idiots put warning labels on everything? Even fundies should be smart enough to know that if they open an article about the filth in magazines, their delicate sensibilities may be affected.

But what you might find truly shocking is that all the potentially offensive material comes straight from the pages of the July issue of Redbook magazine.

I don't find that "truly shocking" at all. Do you really think women across the nation are reading Redbook because it has great asparagus recipes?

Editor's note: This column contains excerpts taken directly from Redbook magazine. While readers may find some of these excerpts offensive, we felt it necessary to retain some of them to convey the coarseness of the excerpts --

Just in case you missed the first warning, here's another one. Are you all on board, folks? Do you understand? There is offensive material here!

Please do not be alarmed if you read the word "breast." It will not harm you. If you feel lightheaded or nauseous, you may turn the column off and continue reading at a later time.

but imperative to abbreviate others.

So in other words, even after all those warnings, OneNewsNow still feels that its readers are too sensitive to read what's written in Redbook. Either that, or they're too stupid to know that they should probably stop reading before they have their morals assaulted in such a vicious manner.

I've referred in the past to modern-day women's magazines as a bellweather of cultural decline, but I think it's worth repeating. Sitting in a doctor's waiting room leafing through magazines, as I was recently, can end up being an eye-opening experience.

Yeah, if you live in a bubble.

And even if you can handle it ... or just decide to stop reading ... imagine your young teenage daughter picking up that innocent-looking women's magazine. What behavior will she end up believing society condones?

Uhh...the behavior that society DOES condone? Look, lady, you may not condone it, but let's face the facts here. "Society" pisses off fundies on a pretty much hourly basis. I don't know if it's because most of the world is un-Biblical, or because you people are stuck in the Bronze Age, but I can't imagine what good you think it will accomplish to keep your kids from knowing about any of it. Or do you plan on sheltering them for their entire lives?

When I was a child, I remember looking through the magazines my mother had around the house. I don't think she ever gave a second thought to what I might come across, nor should she have.

Yes, except that what was in those magazines might have upset her mother with its "moral depravity."

My, how things have changed.

Things sure have changed! Fundies, however, refuse to acknowledge it, and seem to think that 2,000 year old Biblical mythology is a great guide for how people should act today. Except, of course, the parts you disagree with.

But back to Redbook's July issue ...

In a section titled "Handbook: Your Sex Life," there are 56 suggestions for how to "feel sexy in a flash!"

That's good. I bet lots of women want to "feel sexy in a flash." I mean, if you ask me, it sounds like putting too much effort into making yourself attractive to men, but no one asked me.

Here's the subheading: "Whether you've got a free hour and a hot partner in crime to share it with or just a precious few moments to yourself, it's a snap to unleash your inner vixen with these steamy to-do's."

Yes, and I still fail to see the problem. I see nothing there that's inappropriate for young adult women to read. Come to think of it, even for teens to read. It frightens me to think that there are ideas so taboo that parents don't even want their kids to know those ideas EXIST.

Here are some samplings, categorized by how much time you have:

If you've got 10 seconds:
"Alone? Sneak a peak at yourself!"
"Make eye contact with a cute stranger."

Why do you have a problem with that? You don't want women enjoying their own sexuality? Or looking at strangers? Maybe they should just walk ten feet behind their men, with their heads down, wearing burqas.

If you've got 30 seconds:
"Clench your g___ muscles."

Your g___ muscles? What are those? I just looked in an anatomy book, and I came across no mention of a "g___" muscle.

Yes, obviously, it's some muscle that begins with "g," subjected to the Holy Hand of Censorship. But I still can't figure out what she's trying to say. Is it your "'gynah muscle?"

"Spray a dollop of whipped cream on your chest and ...."

Yes? And what? Tweak the torpedoes? Why does the idea of masturbation frighten you so much, Marcia? The only thing about masturbation that I find frightening is people who don't do it!

Got ten minutes?
"Swap your coffee break for a visit with your v______r."

I'm guessing v______r is "vibrator." Apparently this scares Marcia too. Maybe she doesn't want to set off an epidemic of women pounding the pink canoe on their coffee breaks.

Oh, of course, Marcia, you're worried about teh childrenz!!!!111 Is somebody PLEASE thinking of teh childrenz yet??? Well, I doubt your sincerity on that (as I'm pretty sure you don't think ANYONE should be reading Redbook), but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's say your teenage daughter DID read it, what then?

"Oh my God! I might have to teach my kid about sex, values, and female body image! Why does parenting have to be so hard??? Why can't I just prevent her from reading everything in the world I disagree with?"

I don't know about you, but I find it all pretty crude and distasteful.

That's because you're a sexually repressed nun.

This is a long way from health and beauty tips, or advice on child-rearing, or the cover story on Faith Hill. Considering that I picked up a women's magazine off the rack -- not a sex manual -- it's inappropriate, to put it mildly.

Women exploring their sexuality is inappropriate? I find the idea that women should only be reading about child rearing or making themselves beautiful for their men pretty damned "inappropriate" too...to put it mildly.

The next section is called "Handbook: The Hard Stuff."

Tee-hee!

It's a Q&A with the magazine's "advice guru." The first question is from a woman having an affair with a married man. Should she wait patiently until he gets a divorce or give him an ultimatum?

The "advice guru" demonstrates the quintessence of our 21st century "who are we to judge" attitude in her response: "This is one of those excruciating situations that ensures someone will get his or her heart stomped on -- which is one reason why conventional wisdom says not to get involved with a married person."

Umm...okay, and the problem is? The advice guru tells this writer not to get involved with a married person, and Marcia takes some kind of issue with that? This I've got to hear.

Forget about marriage as the foundation of society and fidelity as foundational to marriage.

Yeah, why isn't the advice guru getting on a completely irrelevant fundie soapbox? That's really what she needs to hear!

Forget about the fact that this woman is helping this man cheat on his wife ... helping him break his promises. Forget what it says about his character. And hers. Forget about empathy and whether she'd like this done to her. Most of all, forget about right and wrong. The real -- new -- conventional wisdom is that there's no such thing as right and wrong.

Hm, that's strange. I'm pretty sure the advice guru DID say that this was a bad idea. I guess Marcia's problem is that she didn't get on a sanctimonious high horse about it.

Here's the advisor's "best solution": "Tell him you love him but need to get on with your life, and that if and when he leaves his wife, he knows where to find you."

Well, Marcia, you didn't print a single word of the original letter. I can only assume that's because if you did, you would lose some credibility. I'd be interested to see what it said, but if this guy was already heading for a divorce, why NOT give him an open invitation? It sounds to me like the guy is a serious screw up, and that's why the advice lady told her not to wait around, but once he's got his life figured out, he'll be a divorced guy looking to start over. Or is he just not entitled to fall in love again?

But the most outrageous line of all is what follows: "Of course, doing this requires the strength and fortitude of a 19th century heroine."

Why is that outrageous? Do 19th century heroines not have strength and fortitude?

Somehow my image of 19th century heroines doesn't include their helping to break up marriages. I'm no literature expert, but I'm pretty sure those characters would be known as the villains.

Well, Marcia, it's obvious you're not a literature expert. You're not even all that coherent. But surely you don't need a Ph.D in American Literature to be familiar with Scarlett O'Hara.

Of course, it's an easy mistake to make considering that our society doesn't have villains anymore -- only victims.

Yes, only victims. And straw. Lots and lots of straw.

Not surprisingly, among the magazine's top 10 picks for summer reading is "The Infidelity Pact," described this way: "When four bored, privileged L.A. wives team up to cheat on their hubbies, the result is catty high drama." Sounds positively charming.

Then don't read it, prude. Do you really believe that everything in the world should conform to your standards? Christ, it's always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, isn't it?

I contacted the PR person at Redbook asking whether they'd like to make any comment about my contention that women's magazines have shifted dramatically toward more graphic adult-oriented material, and that so much of it is non-kid-friendly.

Wait, stop. Women's magazines need to be more kid friendly? Why?

Should kids magazines be more woman friendly? Maybe men's magazines need to be more platypus friendly!

After inquiring where this column would appear, she pulled up the website while I waited. I can honestly and without exaggeration say that her voice dripped with disdain when she asked if this were some kind of "Christian activist website." I explained that it was, indeed, a Christian website ... and I was, indeed, a Christian. As of this writing, I haven't heard back.

Oh no! Not disdain! That mean ol' so-and-so!

I wish I had a dime for every person or organization that would hang up on the American Family Association. Or, failing that, I wish they'd call me, just so I could hang up on them!

Sex, titillation, and yawning at immoral behavior have always sold magazines. But they used to be the kind that came in brown wrappers, not the kind that sit on kitchen tables and in doctors' waiting rooms.

Oh really? So now Redbook is basically equal to Playboy and Hustler? Are there naked ladies in it? Pictures of sex acts? I doubt it. I read all of my mom's Redbooks when I was little, and I didn't see a single Goddamned naked boob. It almost made it not worth sneaking around with them!

So beware of wolves in sheep's clothing -- or in this case, vulgarity and immorality all wrapped up as "great news and information you need," to quote Redbook's editor-in-chief.

Well, Marcia, we can finally agree on one thing. Most of the information in Redbook is not "information you need." But it sure is fun!

Oh, let's delve into the peanut gallery again. These are always fun. Sometimes the fundies who read the articles foam at the mouth even more than the authors!

Donna: Things are so much different from when I was a child. My Mother would have had apoplexy, if she had seen the things that are going on today. She was a God-fearing Christian, and HER mother before her. I am not very good with words, but all I can say is read your scriptures, go to Church, and Pray. "Come Lord Jesus, Come!!

No, Donna, you're clearly NOT good with words. However, I do enjoy the innuendo I can make from your last sentence.

Cathy: I agree wholeheartedly. I can't tell you how many times my young daughters (14 & 16) have asked if they could read a magazine in a waiting room. Once I flip through it, it's obvious the information given is not appropriate for me, let alone my daughters, and forget standing in line at the grocery store with your young sons. What they see there is not going to encourage their respect of women. It's a sad statement on our society when we truly don't care what we put out there in print as long as we make a quick buck.

I beg to differ. I believe Redbook cares a great deal what they print. Just because you happen to disagree with their morals doesn't mean they have none. And what's this about "not encouraging respect of women?" I fail to see how helping women embrace their sexuality is anything BUT respectful of them.

Old Sven: My wife subscribes to Redbook and I glanced at the August 07 issue. There was an article suggesting that Americans want us out of Iraq and then I saw "What I learned in Sex School" by Anka Radakovich. It was pure porn and instructs women how to practice sex acts of the professionals in that area. Pornography is now invading our homes in previously friendly publications. That's it for Redbook in our home.

I didn't see any mention in there of whether his wife wanted them gone or not. I guess in Old Sven's house, Old Sven makes ALL the decisions!

Oh, and I love the political jab. Old Sven will make sure no one in his house hears news he disagrees with! That'll keep 'em from getting uppity.

Yvette: That's why I never read those magazines. They are full or wordly advice. I am teaching my kids to discern things from an early age so when they grow up they won't be influenced by them.
In all honesty I think my kids don't like magazines like those already as the women in them are dressed so inmodestly. They can see that the excesive makeup and skimpy, tight clothing is not a thing a godly woman imitate.

I'm not sure how Yvette thinks she's going to teach her kids to "discern" things when she won't let them see any of it. But she seems to have done a great job on herself; that second paragraph makes it pretty clear that her head is well-buried.

Robin: Next time you see one (or several) of these in a waiting room, pick them up, take them with you to the room and dispose of them! I do it all the time knowing that I have protected someone from some vulgarity and do not feel bad at all. It is an act of kindness to the unsuspecting child or parent coming in after you.

No, it is an act of theft and vandalism. I hope you get arrested.

KathyC: Why not tell the receptionist about this objectional material? She or the doctor/dentist may not know that these magazines contain this. If enough patients complain, enough doctors, dentists, etc., offices will cancel their subscriptions and eventually the magazine will get the idea.

Of course, more likely the receptionist, the doctor, and the dentist all think you're a meddling fundie asshat with too much time on your hands.

Lynda Willis: Whatever happened to purity, modesty and abstinence until marriage? There are some Christian magazines that we can read. I let my subscription to Parents magazine expire when they started putting articles about homosexual couples who have children or adopt helpless children. I do not want to see it. I believe it is wrong and if I could stop it, I would. All I can do is pray for those children and their poor lost, mixed up families.

I'm starting to sense a theme here. "I don't believe it, therefore it's false! Make it go away! Wahh!"

Kelly: What I find offensive is that not only Redbook, but the majority of media products available (magazines, books, tapes, cds, tv, movies, radio, advertisements in various forms and on and on adnauseum) are filled with PORN. I've been raising kids for 20 years now, and it's nigh impossible to raise them without them being subjected to seeing porn by the media that wants to destroy our society values. And trust me, I have gone to great lengths to avoid as much as humanly possible. Almost every media out there uses sex as an advertising weapon. What's a parent to do short of living in a community like the Amish or Hutterites do? I tell you truly that if I could find a group of like minded Christian people, I'd live in my OWN TOWN, with my OWN media sources, my OWN Christian values, and my OWN wonderful Christian neighbors. I for one put my money where my mouth is, and refuse to purchase ANY products that are not clean and decent and uphold Christian values. The media will someday be held accountable for their smut, and I'd hate to be in their shoes.

Oh, God, how wonderful would that be? I only WISH Kelly would go to her own town, that censored all media and forced Christian values. And I wish she'd take all her fundie friends with her.

Barbara Q: Speaking of Seventeen magazine, I subscribed to it thinking my granddaughters would get tips on makeup, teenage friendships, etc., and got a wakeup call right away. I thought I'd better check it out before handing it over since we live in the same house - am I ever glad I did that. Needless to say, that magazine was cancelled never to appear in this house again. They now receive Guidepost Sweet 16 magazine, which I will keep an eye on also, just in case things change in their editorial department.

Wow, congratulations, Barbara. You're an oppressive, controlling bitch. You show those girls what they're allowed to think!

Michael Constantine: It is worse than you think, for the examples the writer gives are mild compared with others in similar magazines. No surprises, here. Even in Malaysia,(we live here) a country that is supposedly conservative, a woman's magazine ran an article 10 years ago (yes, that long) entitled, "Virginity: big issue over a small tissue." Their advice to young women: have sex if you want to, don't if you do not. It is no big deal. Just a minor alteration in the structure of your private parts.
My point is that this immoral, deceptive bent has been going on a long time now, and not just in the USA. My wife and I teach seminars here for families and singles, so we face these issues all the time. The lesson: we cannot trust any form of media to keep our kids safe or to promote traditional, conservative, morality. Not in the USA; not anywhere.

I have this vision of Michael Constantine, holed up in a bunker somewhere, with a shotgun and a year's worth of canned food. "They're comin' to get me! The libruls are comin! They wanna teach my daughters that they have choices! Well, I got news for them! My kids will make their own decisions over my dead body!"

Grace Chung: I naively picked up the magazine "Ebony" one day while waiting at an office, and was shocked to read literally X-rated material in its pages. Reading some of the material in that book made me feel degraded, especially as a woman, and I couldn't help but have sympathy for those who look to these kinds of magazines for personal advice and guidance.

"Redbook" sounds like a kindergarten book compared to the stuff I read in "Ebony."

X-rated? There's X-rated material in Ebony? Excuse me, folks, I think I have a doctor's appointment.

Jacey: When I took my daughter to a "Christian" orthodontist's office for an evaluation, I was greatly disturbed to find CosmoGirl in the waiting room. I know what Cosmopolitan is all about (complete FILTH!), but I had never looked at a CosmoGirl. I have no words to describe how awful it was! What was most disturbing was that one teen after another arrived at the office without parents, so these impressionable kids were free to peruse whatever they found in the waiting room. Parents: Beware!!! (Needless to say, I chose a different orthodontist for my daughter.)

You...changed orthodontists? Because he had Cosmo Girl in his waiting room? Christ, what would happen if the new orthodontist had something even worse? Like Redbook or Ebony?